How Yoga Saved My Life
Yoga quite literally saved my life. I know it sounds super dramatic to say that, but it’s the truth.
On September 11, 2022, my oldest son Danny passed away at the age of 28. In an instant, my whole world shattered and my heart was broken. My baby boy, the boy who made me a mom, the boy who had been with me since I was 20 years old and just a child myself – was dead. When I see those words written or say them out loud, I still feel the bottom drop out of my stomach and a feeling of despair fills my whole being. A mother should not have to bury her child. EVER. Yet, I did. How does one possibly survive that???
To be completely honest, surviving is about all I could do at first. Just the simple act of getting out of bed and getting dressed was almost more than I could handle some days. Sleep, without the aid of medication, was either non-existent or all I could do. And my anxiety skyrocketed out of control. I was feeling paralyzed with fear of something happening to one of my other loved ones – especially my younger son, Ryan, and I would make myself sick with worry every time he left the house. And I developed crippling diarrhea, going to the bathroom about 20 times a day and night (I know Tom and Ry are shaking their heads right now and Ry is probably saying “OMG mom, TMI,” but when you have pooped your pants in your sleep and as you were standing in a store talking to a clerk, you can absolutely talk about it with anyone!). After many doctors appointments and tests, it was determined that it most likely caused by my anxiety.
So, let’s just say that I was a veritable trainwreck. On the outside I probably looked like I was keeping it together OK. I started a new job three weeks after Danny’s death, and for all intents and purposes that was a good thing. It gave purpose to my days and a reason to get out of bed. But when I think back over those first few months, it’s all a blur. I am so thankful that Tom encouraged me to do something for myself, knowing that I was drowning and barely surviving. I decided to return to a yoga class that was taught by my good friend Rhonda. I had been a somewhat regular but casual yoga practitioner for several years at that point. Up until that time, I loved yoga for the “workout” it gave my body, and always left class feeling so much calmer and knowing there was more to it than just the physical.
But when I returned to class after I lost Danny, it was the only place I felt any sense of peace. I was able to come out of the fog of my grief for a bit, let go of the tight control I had over my emotions, and allow myself to feel again. Some of my best releases in those early days were after yoga class with my friends Rhonda and Carol holding me as I sobbed. Yoga class became my safe place, my lifeline, and I wanted to learn more about it. What was it that brought me that peace? I asked Rhonda her thoughts on the best way to deep dive into yoga, and she recommended different classes and workshops as options. Then she also suggested that I might consider taking yoga teacher training. Of course, my first reaction to that was, “No way, I don’t want to teach yoga!” But Rhonda assured me that many people take yoga teacher training as an immersive way to learn the practice, and that there is no expectation that you become a teacher if you take the training. I gave it some thought, talked it over with Tom, and ultimately registered for 235 hour Yoga Teacher Training through Devanadi School of Yoga and Wellness in Minneapolis, MN. It is there that I found my path to healing - mind, body, and soul. Learning about the true purpose of yoga and its sister science, Ayurveda, has provided me with not only a holistic lifestyle, but a whole new understanding of life and death. And I graduated as a Registered Yoga Teacher on September 10, 2023 – one day before the one year anniversary of Danny’s death. How is that for divine timing?
And this girl who said she was not a yoga teacher is now passionate about teaching and sharing the practice with others! Yoga is so much more than a workout. It is a way of life. It is a path to healing. It is connection - with yourself, your higher power, and others. Of the eight branches of yoga, only one of them, “Asana,” relates to physical movement. So yes, everyone CAN “do” yoga. Movement is the branch that prepares our bodies for stillness. Just as each one of us is uniquely and perfectly made right down to the shape and size of our bones and muscles, each one of our yoga practices will look different. Meeting yourself where you’re at, learning to listen to and honor your body, and finding YOUR own yoga practice is what it’s all about.